The Christmas Clip Show!
by Mahna Mahna
Summary: You know how when some people completely forget about buying Christmas gifts until the night before, they go through some of their old stuff to try to wrap up and pass it off as a brand new gift? This is sort of like that....
1. A Very Merry Intro

The Christmas Clip Show

By Mahna Mahna

Daria: Hey, Season's Greetings from the cast of 'Daria', and welcome to 'The Christmas Clip Show'. The way, this works is… um…well…

Jane: Let *me* explain. You know how when some people completely forget about buying Christmas gifts until the night before, they go through some of their old stuff to try to wrap up and pass it off as a brand new gift? This is sort of like that.

Daria: We took all the holiday segments that weren't --

Jane: --good enough?

Daria: (glares at Jane) --*long* enough to make a regular episode of 'Daria' and grouped them all into one big holiday special.

Jane: Our last minute gift to you, our viewers! Isn't it great, folks?!

(silence)

Daria: I *told* you we should have gotten them a gift certificate for Best Buy.

Jane: They'll like it. You'll see.

Daria: Next year, we do separate gifts.


	2. The Oddest Present

"The Oddest Present"

(At the Lane house, Jane is unwrapping a gift from Trent while he and Daria watch.)

Jane: Wow, Trent thanks for the sweater. It's very…. um… colorful. (sets down the orange, green, and brown sweater.)

Trent: Woah. That's a relief. I was afraid you were gonna be like…. Ew.

Jane: No, no. It's more of an Ooo rather than Eww.

Trent: Good. Here, Daria, this next one's for you.

Daria: (blushes a little) Oh, um, you didn't have to do that.

Trent: Sure I did. You're a friend and all. (hands the present to her)

Daria: Thanks. (She takes it and unwraps it. We can see it's book, but we can't see the title. Daria's eyes widen.) Uh… it certainly seems….interesting. Trent, what made you pick this?

Trent: I dunno, what book is it?

Jane: You don't know what you got her?

Trent: I wasn't looking when I got it.

Daria: Huh?

Trent: Well you see, it's like this… I have this… thing… about bookstores. Don't ask why, the scars of memory wound me to talk about it.

Daria: (whispers aside to Jane) Scars of memory?

(Jane shrugs)

Trent: All I can say is, it involved a '68 Chevy, a gift certificate, and a duck. Anyway, I knew I should get Daria a book for Christmas. I really couldn't think of anything else. So I said to myself, 'Trent, you've got to conquer your fears, or you'll be a slave to them'. 

So I tried to go into that one bookstore at the mall, you know? I kept trying to go in, but I just couldn't do it. I looked inside and there was this shelf with books under 5 bucks, so I thought I could just run in, grab a book, throw six bucks on the counter, and run out. I thought I'd… like… let destiny decide what present you'd get. And I did.

Daria: (looks at book) Destiny wanted me to own _The Gay Wiccan's Guide to Nova Scotia_? 

Jane: Destiny has a weird sense of humor.

Trent: Hey, can I use that for a song?


	3. Interlude: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Cla...

"Interlude"

(Wearing a Santa cap, Jane walks into the center of a stage and clears her throat)

Jane: Messed up Christmas Carol #217: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

(begins to sing)

__

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus  
Underneath the mistletoe last night.   
She didn't see me creep   
Down the stairs to have a peep…

with my camera.

I showed the double prints to Dad, and he went down to the mall later and got the guy fired for revenge.

Thank you.


	4. Naughty and or Nice

"Naughty and/or Nice"

(At the North Pole)

(We see Santa at his desk, with his brow furrowed. He is looking at the list on his desk. Suddenly, an elf walks through the hallway and Santa looks up.)

Santa: Tinkdrop. Could you help me with something?

Tinkdrop: (comes into the room) Yes, sir?

Santa: I just need someone else's opinion on something. I've been going through my Naughty/Nice list, and I just can't make a decision about this one girl.

Tinkdrop: (looks at the paper) Daria Morgendorffer? Well, it says here she's over age. Can't you just skip her?

Santa: (sighs) That's not how it works. I still need to keep track of these things for dispension of good luck as well as toys. What I mark down could be the difference between a good year and a bad year for Daria. I just don't know if she's naughty or nice. Let me read you some examples.

She always does her homework.

Tinkdrop: That's good!

Santa: Sometimes she sells it to other people for them to turn in.

Tinkdrop: That's bad.

Santa: She often pokes fun at others' stupidity.

Tinkdrop: That's also bad.

Santa: But she also tries to help them whenever she can.

Tinkdrop: That's good!

(Later on)

Santa: She sometimes goes to the nursing home to read an elderly woman.

Tinkdrop: (beginning to tire) That's good.

Santa: But…..

(Tinkdrop holds his head in his hands)

(Later still….)

Santa: She once told her sister that the principal was using security cameras in locker rooms to sell tapes to pay for the *other* cameras.

Tinkdrop: (laughs, then stops at the look Santa gives him) Uh.. That's bad. 

Santa: She….

Tinkdrop: Santa, what do you want from me? I run the pooper-scooper in the reindeer stables…. I'm not qualified to judge moral character.

Santa: Hm. I'll just put her down for 'Nice' and give the kid a break. OK, now let's go over this one more time.

Tinkdrop: Again?!

Santa: I have to check it twice, after all. Hey! Stop banging your head into my wall!


	5. Interlude: Quinnie the RedHead Junior

Thank you all for the nice reviews! They are much appreciated.

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"Interlude"

(Like before, Jane walks to the center of a stage wearing a Santa cap)

Jane: Messed-up Christmas Carol #39: Quinn the Red-head Junior. (begins to sing)

__

Quinnie the Red-head Junior

had a very shiny nose

But then she put some Cover Girl powder on it and fixed it.

Thank you.


	6. The Cabbage Patch Kid from Hades

"The Cabbage Patch Kid from Hades"

(Daria is in her room, sprawled out on her bed, talking to Jane on the phone and flipping through an old photo album.)

Daria: …. but I think the thing I like best about Christmas is picking out presents for Quinn every year, finding just the right thing that she'll utterly despise.

Jane: Such as?

Daria: Hm…. (she looks at various pictures of Quinn by the Christmas tree, looking obviously displeased with her gifts)… well, there was a gift certificate for Vitamin World….

Jane: Boring…

Daria: …but effective. (She grins.) And then there was the whoopee cushion…. the fake tarantula…. (she comes upon a certain picture.)… but the one that had the greatest results came from the one year I actually *tried* to get something she'd like.

(Flashback to 1996. The Morgendorffer family is sitting around the Xmas tree as Quinn unwraps her present.)

Quinn: A doll? (to Daria) Don't you think I'm a little old for that? I mean, hel - *lo*! I'm thirteen!

Daria: (frowns slightly) But you sleep with stuffed animals, and those are *almost* like dolls. And I thought you collected Cabbage Patch dolls! I thought you'd like it.

Helen: Of course she does. Quinn, Daria put a lot of effort into finding a gift for you…. don't you have something to say…

Quinn: Yeah, what's the catch? 

(Helen glares at her.)

Quinn: (sighs) Alright, thank you. (looks at the doll) Hm…. Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids… well, it *is* kind of cute. Oh, and look! You can actually feed it little snacks! Aww…

(Cut to later that night. Quinn is asleep in bed, with the Cabbage Patch doll in bed with her among her stuffed animals. 

As Quinn turns over, a lock of her hair falls across the doll's face and into the mouth.

The mouth begins to move, latching onto the hair and slowly ingesting more and more.

Quinn sleepily opens her eyes at the mechanical sound of the mouth opening and closing. She comes face to face with the attacking doll.

She jumps out of bed screaming and runs out of her bedroom, down the hall, and into Jake and Helen's room with the Cabbage Patch kid still hanging from her hair.)

Quinn: The doll's trying to eat me! The doll's trying to eat me!

Jake: (yawning) That's nice, kiddo.

Helen: (sleepily) Quinn, stop playing with your doll and go back to bed.

Quinn: Ahh!!!

(End Flashback)

Daria: By the time Mom and Dad finally realized what was happening, the doll had practically reached her scalp.

Jane: Wow. I think I remember that doll, too. Didn't they recall all of those?

Daria: Yup. We were able to get the money back, and we used the cash to try to make Quinn's hair look good again. (close up on the picture Daria was looking at, with Quinn sporting a boyishly short hairstyle.) 'Try' being the key word.

Jane: And all that without even trying. Think you can top that this year?

Daria: I haven't been able to come up with any ideas I like. You don't happen to know of any other cannibalistic dolls that I can buy?

Jane: No. Wanna call the Barbie company and see if they're interested in making one?

Daria: Hm… good thinking.

Jane: I know. I'll go look up their number.

Daria: Hannibal Barbie: Silence of the Plastic.


	7. Interlude: Here We Come A Wassailing

Thanks for the great reviews!

Seven skits down, five more to go…..

Hopefully I'll have these all up before Christmas.

On with the show!

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"Interlude"

Jane: Messed up Christmas Carol #11: Here We Come A-Wassailing 

__

Here we come a-wassailing among the leaves so green;  
Here we come a-wassailing, whatever the heck that means….  
Love and joy come to you, and to you our wassail, too.  
And God bless you and send you a dictionary  
so that you can look up wassailing with me.

Seriously, what the heck does 'wassailing' mean? If I'm going to go out and "wassail", I'd like to know what it is I'm doing.

Daria: It means 'to give a toast to someone'.

Jane: Thank you Ms. Dictionary… Miss Webster…. Miss Oxford….

Daria: Thank *you*, Miss Thesaurus.


	8. Christmas in the Class

"Christmas in the Class"

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall to their next class, English)

Daria: It's times like this when I don't mind school as much. Anything to get away from tacky decorations at home.

Jane: It can't be that bad.

Daria: One of the roof's Santa Clauses is neon pink.

Jane: Ok, I guess it *can* be that bad.

(They enter the room, then stop in shock as the other students enter around them. The English room is covered in bright strings of lights in all sizes and all colors of the rainbow. An overly-large manger scene stands out in the back and, oddly enough, contains a reindeer. Every corner has an animated talking Santa. The room, obviously, is the epitome of tackiness.)

Daria: Good grief, it's an epidemic…

Jane: It looks like Santa threw-up in here.

(O'Neill enters the room, wearing a Santa hat.) 

O'Neill: Seasons Greetings, class!

(All students who are standing, including Daria and Jane now take their seats.)

O'Neill: Now I know you've all probably noticed the decorations; I just want to help you all get into the Christmas spirit. (turns to Daria and Jane in surprise) Well! It seems you to have already *gotten* into the spirit!

(The girls look at each other in confusion.)

Jane: Huh? 

O'Neill: Why, you're wearing red and green, the Christmas colors!

(The girls look at each other again, their eyes wide with sudden realization.)

Both: Ah!!

(Jane quickly takes off her top red shirt and Daria removes her green jacket. Brittany, who is sitting close to Daria, frowns.)

Brittany: (points at Daria's orange shirt) But now you're wearing orange and black! Those are Halloween colors!

(Daria grumbles something about how she just can't win and puts her jacket back on.)

O'Neill: Now, since we're getting so close to Christmas, I thought we'd take some time to learn the background of some popular Christmas carols. (He picks up some notes from his desk and searches through them, finally stopping at one in particular.) Ah, I know! We'll do 'Deck the Halls' first. Now, this song mentions the word 'yuletide'. Does anybody know what a yule is? 

(Nobody raises their hand.) 

O'Neill: Hmm… well, a yule is defined as 'the feast of the nativity of Jesus Christ'. Can anybody guess what could be considered 'gay apparel'? 

Kevin: Isn't that, like, stuff with rainbows on it and stuff?

O'Neill: Um…

(The class discussion continues as Daria turns to Jane.)

Daria: This is a pointless waste of time. I already knew all this. Shouldn't school be for learning?

Jane: That *is* some people's opinion. I'm just glad we're getting an easy day, but if he makes us sing, I'm walking out.

O'Neill: …and when we say 'heedless of the wind and weather', we mean that the weather doesn't bother us! Now that we've gone over all the lyrics… (he takes out an acoustic guitar that was hidden behind his deck).. it's time to sing!

(Many students groan, a few who enjoy that sort of thing grin, and Jane bangs her head on her desk. Mr. O'Neill starts strumming the guitar and singing while most of the class joins in half-heartedly.)

O'Neill: (singing badly) Deck the Halls with boughs of holly!

Daria: (to Jane) Well?

Jane: (stops banging her head on the desk and looks up) C'mon Daria; I can't leave.

Daria: Do it. Seriously. I'll cover for you.

Jane: (skeptically) You sure, amiga?

Daria: Really. Just go… quickly.

(Jane looks like she's still unsure, but decides to trust Daria. She quickly gets up and goes out the door. Mr. O'Neill stops in the middle of the song, looking concerned.)

O'Neill: Jane?

Daria: Now you've done it. Christmas time is hard enough for her, and you have to go and remind her of her long lost sister, Holly.

O'Neill: Oh dear! I should go after h…

Daria: No, let me. She needs a friend. You understand, right? (She gets up and heads for the door.)

O'Neill: I just feel so terrible!

Daria: Well, at least you didn't pick 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer'.

O'Neill: (gasps) You mean…

Daria: Yes. May she rest in peace. 


	9. Interlude: Winter Wonderland

"Interlude"

Jane: Messed-up Christmas carol #75: Winter Wonderland

__

In the meadow we can build a snowman,   
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown 

He'll say "Are you married?   
We'll say "No man… "

Then he'll say, "Are you planning on it anytime soon?"

We'll say "Um… we haven't talked about it. Maybe."

He'll say, "Because you've been together for quite awhile now, and I've heard some things about you…"

And things will get really awkward, until we realize he's just a snowman, so we just walk away, wondering what would make us get intimidated by packed snow.

Thank you.


	10. Bah Humbug

"Bah. Humbug."

(Nightime in Daria's bedroom)

(Daria is sound asleep when a faint, wavering voice comes out of the darkness.)

Voice: Dariiaaa….. Dariaaa….

(Daria rolls over, but does not wake)

Voice: YO! WEIRD MISERY CHICK! WAKE UP!

Daria: (bolts up) AH!!

(Pan out to see a ghost covered in chains floating over Daria's bed. As we look closer, we can see it is…)

Daria: (wide-eyed) Tommy Sherman?

Tommy: (spooky ghost voice) Ask meee whooo I wasss….

Daria: Why? I already know who you are.

Tommy: Pfft. Sure, spoil the routine.

Daria: What do you want with me!?

Tommy: I'm here to warn you loser about something. All my life, I was what some uncooler people called 'a jerk', so now I have to wear all these chains. There's time to save yourself.

Daria: Hey! I do *not* act like a jerk. And why would *you* want to help *me*?

Tommy: You're not cool enough to pull off the chain look; I am.

(Daria gives him a dirty look)

Tommy: (sighs) Ok, so I have 24 hours of community service to do. So what. (gets the spooky voice again) Toniiiight yooouuuu will beeee haunnnted by fooouuuurrr spiriiiittsss….. the paaaast…. the presseeent …. and the fuuuutturrree…..

Daria: That's *three*, Sherlock.

Tommy: No, four. Goodbye loser! (fades away)

Daria: Rude… self-absorbed…. ignorant…. that was Tommy Sherman alright.

(Suddenly, a clock strikes twelve. The room is suddenly filled with a brilliant light. Daria shields her eyes until the light fades down and reveals….)

Daria: No! It can't be!

Beavis: Huh-huh!

Butthead: We're, like, the ghosts of Christmas Past.

Daria: No!

(Daria searches frantically for a weapon… a means of escape… anything. She finally sees her telephone on the floor and picks it up.)

Beavis: Huh-huh! Who ya gonna call?

(Suddenly, the door bursts open.)

Bill Murray: Ghostbusters!

(He and the other Ghostbusters blast the annoying, disgusting cartoon ghosts with their proton beams.)

Bill: That'll be five thousand dollars.

Daria: Um, thanks. Could you put it on my tab?

(The guys look at each other)

Dan Aykroyd: Get her!

(They blast the beam at her)

(Suddenly, it is morning. Daria bolts up in her bed, looks around frantically, then sighs in relief.)

Daria: It was just a dream! (narrows eyes) That's it, Morgendorffer. No more expired nog and HBO before bed for you.

(Daria goes to her window, opens it, then calls down to a random teenager walking down her street.)

Daria: You there! What day is this?

Teen: (in a squeaky-British accent) Why it's *mid-term* day, M'am!

Daria: It's mid-term day. Then I haven't missed it. (frowns) Bah humbug.


	11. Interlude: The Little Drummer Boy

"Interlude"

Jane: Messed-up Christmas carol #378: The Little Drummer Boy…

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum   
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum   
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum   
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,   
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,   
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,   
On my drum?   


You wanna hear Wipe Out? Ooo! I know! Something from _Stomp_! 

(drags out a trashcan and starts beating on it with sticks)  


(silence)  


Oo... tough crowd.  


(rimshot)  


Thank you.


	12. The Finale and Author's Notes

"Have an Above Average December 25th If You Want To"

Tom: We here at the set of '_Daria' _just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

Daria: Uh, Tom? Not everyone celebrates Christmas. What about the Jewish? They celebrate Chanukah.

Tom: Why is it you care? Are you Jewish?

Daria: No, just empathetic.

Jane: Empathetic? What kind of religion is that?

Tom: Well, OK. Merry Christmas *and* Happy Chanukah.

Jane: Wait! What about Kwanzaa, that African holiday. And I'm sure there are a lot more celebrations throughout the world.

Tom: Well what should I say? I know….. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Daria: Not everyone celebrates a holiday.

Tom: Um…. Happy…. Winter?

Jane: The people in Australia are having summer now.

Tom: (getting irritated) Listen what difference does this make? I mean, the majority of people who will see this are white Americans who celebrate Christmas!

Daria: So you're saying the majority is more important than the minorities. I can't believe you just said that.

Jane: Wow, I never knew you were racist.

Tom: I'm not! I take it back. Let me try again. (He thinks awhile, then smiles) No matter what your ethnicity or religion, spend the present time doing good, having fun, staying safe, and being happy.

(He grins, thinking he's got them beat, until he sees them glaring a little. His smile falters)

Jane: Hey, don't tell them what to do! You're not the boss of them!

Daria: (suspicious) I don't like the way you're grinning. And did I just see you wink at the camera? You're cheating on me with a girl in the audience, aren't you? I knew it.

(Tom runs away screaming in frustration as the girls glare after him. After he's gone, they smile and chuckle a little)

Daria: Heh. That was fun. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Jane: (to audience) Merry Christmas, everyone! And may all your greetings be politically correct!

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The End

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~~Authors Notes and Interesting Information~~~

The book Trent gives Daria for Christmas is based on a book I saw once in the New Releases section of a book store. (Not intended to offend homosexuals, non-Christians, or Canadians.)

Trent seriously doesn't like bookstores. See "Pierce Me" if you still have your doubts.

The Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids were real also. They were introduced in 1996 and recalled after complaints poured in about how children were getting their hair and fingers caught inside the doll.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone mentioned in this fic….. except Tinkdrop… but I'd trade him for Daria anytime.

Thanks and mental hugs to my beta readers, Beth Ann, Scarlett, and Tananda! If anything is wrong with this, blame them. ;-)

Thanks for reading!

Merry Christmas!

And may all your greetings be politically correct!

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__

Wallace: "The question is, what _is_ a Mahna Mahna?"   
_Statler:_ "The question is, who cares?

---The Muppet Show (The Mahna Mahna Song)


End file.
